


the sun will rise (and we will try again)

by pcyro



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Byun Baekhyun-centric, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, non-graphic, other members mentioned - Freeform, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:22:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23392444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pcyro/pseuds/pcyro
Summary: maybe if he cut himself open and clawed out his insides, he could find something that mattered.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	the sun will rise (and we will try again)

**Author's Note:**

> this is mostly a vent fic !! triggering topics r tagged pls dont read if u r sensitive to such. title from truce by top.

baekhyun isn’t too worried about how to spend the last day of his life. 

the first time, though, he was. 

he spent a lazy summer morning tucked under chanyeol’s chin, warm and lethargic in the golden of sunrise. he held chanyeol’s hand over the table, smiled at him over his mug of coffee. baekhyun had kissed him before he went to lunch with sehun and junmyeon, full and chaste on the lips. he watched a movie with kyungsoo and jongin after; uncharacteristically quiet in an effort to savor the soft heart of kyungsoo’s lips as he smiled and the wheeze of jongin’s insufferable laugh. he got boba with yixing, made sure to poke the deep dimple on his cheek when his smiled softly. baekhyun had dinner at jongdae and minseok’s. he harmonized with jongdae to antagonize minseok and gave them tight hugs before he left. 

baekhyun called chanyeol to say goodnight and i love you into his voicemail. he told the dial tone he was going to sleep early, to sleep at his own place tonight. baekhyun made sure his shoes were neat by the doorway before he headed to the bedroom. he delicately slipped the thin envelopes from beneath the floorboard by the window, ran the pads of his fingers over the names of his loved ones. he let himself sink into the mattress and inhale the smell of home, of him and chanyeol and late mornings. baekhyun let himself mourn the moments he never deserved, but was given. 

he laid the letters on the plump pillows, neat and out of place on the mess of blankets and comforters. 

baekhyun had put on his favorite hoodie - deep purple with chanyeol’s scent clinging to it. as he settled into the tub with a bottle of cheap vodka and xanax, he wondered if he did everything he could. he wondered if he did enough; if he spent his last day the best he could, even if he didn’t deserve to. 

he had supposed it wouldn’t matter much, anyways. he wouldn’t be able to find out. 

chanyeol had found him. baekhyun survived, but seeing the hurt and disappointment in his friend’s faces might’ve been worse than whatever waited for him when his heart stopped. 

the second time, baekhyun spanned his goodbyes over the course of the week. chanyeol watched him like a hawk nowadays, so any actions resembling his first time immediately raised suspicion. it hadn’t mattered then, either. his legs had buckled when he hit the ground, vision already black and spotty around the edges. chanyeol had cut him down before brain damage occurred. he remembers how hoarse chanyeol’s voice sounded as he sobbed.

baekhyun thinks that time was the worst. 

the third time, he didn’t bother. he didn’t plan, just desperately hoped the tub would fill and he’d bleed out before chanyeol got back. 

he didn’t. he cleaned up the mess and wrapped his forearms in strips of old t-shirt. baekhyun cried for hours into chanyeol’s chest after they got back from the er. 

that one was the most pathetic. he can’t fathom why chanyeol stayed after it. 

the fourth time, is now, studying the seoul skyline. 

this time will probably work, he knows. it’s scary. he’s terrified staring at the chasm inches from the toe of his beat up sneakers. baekhyun has always yearned for an end, but now, looking death in the face, he’s uncertain. life is bustling along the concrete below him, fluorescent billboards and chatter of friends. 

life doesn’t wait for you to be ready, it just goes on, he thinks. 

the crisp autumn air cools the tears adoring his cheeks. baekhyun has long lost his grasp of time or reality. the first time was years ago, yet just last week. he has blinked and woke up days later. he’s so so  _ so  _ scared he’s going to wake up one day and realize he missed his own life. 

it’s too much to bear. the feeling of watching your own life pass you by is overwhelming. the inability to simply pause and  _ breathe  _ is painful. 

it’s unbearable, being alive. it’s unbearable, knowing he will never able to be what chanyeol needs, what he deserves. 

the thought of leaving chanyeol to bear the guilt of his death is equally agonizing. baekhyun doesn’t know if it’s enough to get him off the ledge. 

the sun is peeking over the horizon, the sky pink and bruising. it’s so beautiful. it’s so beautiful up here, on the line of life and death. baekhyun wonders where he’ll fall. 

he thinks chanyeol’s lopsided smile is pretty like the newborn sky. he thinks so is kyungsoo’s baritone voice and jongin’s graceful dancing. he thinks so is minseok’s and jongdae’s catlike features. he thinks so is the curve of yixing’s lips, and the crinkle of junmyeon’s eyes when he laughs, and the quirk of sehun’s mouth when he doesn’t want to laugh. 

the sun is golden and warm against his skin. baekhyun thinks he can call a truce.

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
